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HOW NOT TO SLEEP WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN


I spent one of the worst nights of my life sleeping with a beautiful woman.

Get your tongue back in your head. These days it never occurs to anybody that "sleeping with a woman" can mean exactly that.

She was not only beautiful, she was rich. Her family's house was next door to the lieutenant governor's (this was not in South Carolina, and it was long ago).

The obvious question is what somebody rich and beautiful was doing with me. So let me tell you this: I am a wise man who comments in learned style on world issues. That same wisdom prevents me from ever trying to figure out why women do things. That way lies madness.

Anyway, she was showing off the new, luxury car her father had given her that particular year -- I think he did it every year. We left my cheap but reliable little Volkswagen and she drove me around in her brand new luxmobile.

She drove out into an area where there were only dirt roads (HINT, HINT, BOB!). I was doing what I have spent almost all my time with women doing: Trying to figure out what to do next.

So naturally the luxmobile broke down. Naturally we had no idea where we were. Naturally it was a bitter cold night and the heater went out with the engine.

We spent a night at around thirty degrees with no coats, etc. She was in my arms, sleeping warmly. She looked so comfy there that I, frozen solid, wanted to strangle her.

 

RUSSIAN CARS

Every time I ride in a Russian car here I think of that horrible night I spent with a beauty.

I thought of it yesterday when we were traveling in a fine Russian van that costs only six thousand dollars brand new.

It was a fine van except for one thing: We spent about four hours traveling and two hours fixing it.

The good Russian who was driving me around had given me great hospitality in his genuine old Russian house out in a village. So please do not think I am complaining here at all.

He kept telling me that it was an excellent van, as it seemed to be, but it kept breaking down.

During that hellacious freezing night with my red-haired beauty, all I could think about was my cheap but RELIABLE little Volkswagen and how warm I would be if I'd taken it. It would not break down.

The most wildly successful cars in history have been the Model T Ford and the Volkswagen. They were indeed cheap. But they were cheap AND RELIABLE. Therein lies the whole tale.

If you can fix farm machinery and cars the way my Russian buddy and the others I was riding with can, breaking down is just a bother. For the rest of us, it is a fatal flaw.

My friends, I have just revealed unto you a Great Mystery. If I spent a thousand pages making it obscure and using lots of economicese, the sentences I just wrote could really impress people the way real Economic Theorists do.

 

ECONOMIC THEOLOGY

Communists have slaughtered far more than a hundred million people trying to impose the economic theology of Marx, Lenin, and the rest.

But in a way, the democratic socialist Intellectuals were worse than the Communist ones. Their economic nonsense kept the entire Third World in stagnation and abject misery for generations. That was worse than death.

All those years, planners trained at Harvard and the London School of Economics went back to their native lands and tried to plan their countries out of poverty.

All the universities were proud that they had trained economists from all the poor countries.

Every single country these Intellectuals took over got worse and worse.

The planners themselves, however, did what they wanted to do: they had a slave population, jobs, and power. So academics and other wordsmiths still love socialism.

There are still statues of Lenin here in Russia, and no social science department in the West is anything but a rabid fan of Economic Planning.

When some people look at Lenin, they think of a Great Idealist. Others think of the horrors he caused or some World Conspiracy idea they have going.

What I see when I look at Lenin is something that only a battered but all-too-honest old political expert from South Carolina would see.

To me, Lenin is a guy who was a Hero of the Working Class who never did an hour's labor in his entire life.

This is equally true of Marx. This is equally true of Trotsky. Likewise practically everybody else who ever championed the Worker as an intellectual hero. None of them ever produced anything but misery.

Libertarians today, who think they are the ultimate anti-Communists, continue this tradition of making economics into a theology. The one thing they insist on is free markets, with the same religious intensity Communists and socialists devoted to their recipes.

Libertarians say the free market is the solution for everything.

Including border problems. Since differences among peoples mean nothing, and the free market will take care of them, libertarians insist that the Third World population should pour into America and Western Europe.

Just crossing that border, say the libertarians, will make billions of third worlders prosperous First World Citizens in no time.

The Wall Street journal demands a constitutional amendment that says: "There shall be no borders."

In other words, their economic theology will take care of everything.

I think we've had enough of that nonsense.

 

THE EURO IS THE DOLLAR'S SALVATION

Some Russians have asked me what I think of the new European currency, the Euro. They also talked about a plan to do the same sort of thing in Asia.

This is what I told them:

"As a professional economist, I consider the Euro and a general Asian currency as the best things that could happen to the American dollar."

"A GERMAN Mark or a SWISS franc is real competition for the dollar, because people have confidence in the Germans and in the Swiss. These currencies are being replaced by a Greek, Italian, Spanish, French and German 'Euro,' in which no one will have any confidence."

"Exactly the same thing is true of the JAPANESE yen. If it is replaced by a currency whose worth is dependent on a group of Asian countries working together, no one can have any confidence in it."

"The real long-term threat to the dollar is the change in the US population, in the AMERICA that stands behind the dollar."

 

 

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Issue: Aug. 25, 2001
Editor: Virgil H. Huston, Jr.
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