Archive for April 25th, 2005

My Tragic Defeat

I pointed out in an earlier blog that I had less chance of being elected President of the United States than I did of being chosen as the new pope.

As I predicted, I was not elected pope.

You may wonder why I have not made a public concession.

I am not yet conceding defeat because the results were very, very close.

There are over a billion Catholics on earth. I lost the election by less than two hundred votes. When my campaign manager demanded a recount, his request was not only denied, but he is being held for mental observation.

The whole thing was blatant and outright discrimination. The United States elected a Catholic president in 1960, but there has yet to be a single Baptist elected pope, much less someone who is whateverthehell I am.

It is perfectly clear that my defeat was entirely the result of bigotry and Hate, and my campaign manager has assured me that he plans to take it to court the minute they let him out.




Back in the 1950s, when our black and white TV was state of the art, all TV programs came from New York City. I remember that, in those shows, the man at the hotel desk would call for a bellhop by ringing a bell.

He would ring the bell and shout, “Boy!”

A young man or a middle aged man would quickly appear, dressed in a bell-hop’s uniform.

So we naturally assumed that was the way New Yorkers did it. In New York, a middle-aged man had no objection to being called “boy.” That’s what New York said, and there was no reason for me to disbelieve it.

I was then, as I am now, a provincial Southerner, a racist, a sexist, and my feet stink.

But never in my life have I ever seriously called a man a “boy.”

Well, I have said, “Boy” to good buddies of mine: “We’re both Southern boys.”

But the idea of seriously calling any man a boy was totally alien to me.

I was eventually informed that Southerners refer to black men as “boys.”

The South is a big place, and it must have happened somewhere. But in New York, calling a man “Boy” was the height of sophistication at a luxury hotel. They said so.

I must admit there was no racial discrimination involved, and I guess that was all that mattered.


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