Archive for November 8th, 2005

The Advantages of Being Sh.., Sorry I Mean PUT Upon

The fact that the media hated us anti-liberals had its definite advantages. If the media had watched Teddy Kennedy the way it watched us, Chappaquiddick would never have happened.

The Kennedys are well known drunkards and nutcases. It takes one to know one, you know. But the only problem they ever had in the media was that they wore their haloes too tight.

That is good and it is bad. It spared us a lot of grief. There were a lot of things we never had to worry about because, if one of us was doing something naughty, it would be in the Washington Post.

The exception proved the rule. Congressmen Bob Bauman and Jon Hinson were blatant homosexuals and we had no idea of it. Long before Gay Lib, we had a saying about the meida, “Homo is holy.”

So Bauman and Hinson were allowed to get away with it to such an extent that one day I showed up a a quarter to eight in the morning in the Longworth Building where our offices were and found network TV camers taking photos of the bathroom door near our office. It turned out that right there, where I went potty, Hinson and his crowd had been staging orgies.

Hinson and Bauman really went out of their way to get caught. But we had no idea of any of it.

It was an embarrassment, and in Bauman’s case, it was a real loss. We just didn’t talk about it.

We were caught completely flatfooted, which made me understand what liberals missed by not having a really hostile press.

There were many instances of this. One was a case where the FBI caught congressmen stuffing their pockets with bribes in a sting operation. Only one Republicans was involved, but the Democrats who were caught were heavy hitters in the leadership.

When someone hinted at a bribe to me, I said, “Do you have any idea what the penalties are for bribing a congressional staffer?”

It only happened once.

The first reason for this is that I am a wonderful moral paragon. The other is that the potential briber was probably a plant from a liberal outfit and I would have been caught redhanded.

But the Democrats got to the point where they were caught stuffing cash in their pockets.

That seems kind of stupid. But what the fact is that they were used to getting away with anything because they were liberals.

An entirely different example of the same phenomenon was the fact that the media hate anti-Communists. Today you will hear media people say that the reason for 9/11 was that Americans supported Isama Ben Laden and his crowd against the Russians in Afghanistan.

Well, I DID.

But what the media is really upset about is that we helped destroy the Peoples’ Peace Loving Democratic Republics. They don’t give a damn about the dead Americans on 9/11.

So what is the upside to this?

It si this: Those of us who fought the Communists actually remember OUR history.

Members of the Greatest Generation have totally forgotten what they were like when they did it in their pants and left their rifles on D-Day. That was sixty years ago.

In his own mind, every one of them is now the gutsy, dirty hero in the WWII movies, fighting against racism and fascism.

Not one person in the group that calls itself The Greatest Generation has the slightest real memory of the war itself. They are covered with praise. They are LOST in praise.

I don’t have that luxury. I also don’t habe that delusion.

It isn’t fun thinking of what the media COULD connect me with. If they could get me or my allies in connection with some of the really nasty stuff that went on — and there is no statute of limitations on a lot of that — they would.

I can’t AFFORD delusions.

Whcih makes me remember the way things WERE, not John Wayne war movies.

Would you rather be a hypnotized hero or someone who remembers exactly how things were?

If I want to be hypnotized, I can go back on drugs.

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The Old Bastard Rants on

First of all, I refer to myself as “a bastard.” In Europe this is a technical term which refers to someone who was born out of wedlock.

Not so in America.

America is the Land of Opportunity.

In Europe you must be born a bastard.

In America you must EARN the title. It may sound like I am bragging, but I have scads of witnesses to my right to the title.

All of which, as you have surely guessed, leads me to the discussion of goats.

In the article below I said that real, technical “grits,” the corn seed husks that come out of the left side of the machine, are something “that only goats can eat.”

Oops.

By goats I meant the little gray animals I was raised around. They are skinny and tiny and eat anything.

Today if you go to a goat farm you see an animal that looks for all the world like a misshapen cow.

They got goat in them, though, because they are MUCH smarter than a cow.

And a cow is a Nobel Laureate compared to a sheep.

But there is little in common between what I call a goat and those milking animals.

A little gray goat is a wild animal that can live just about anywhere. I used to see them in Central and South America, and it made me nostalgic. I haven’t seen one here in many years.

Anyway, when I said only a goat could eat real grits, I was not referring to the cow-looking ones.

There used to be myth that goats. the little gray ones, ate tin cans. Actually they chewed tin cans to eat the paper stuck to them, the labels. Eating paper and glue is not the same as eating tin, but it’s pretty close.

I was also raised around bantams.

I still want to know what bantams were FOR.

One person said bantam hens were good mothers to orphan chicken biddies.

That sounds like Bantamite propaganda to me.

I have never heard of anybody eating bantam eggs or bantam meat.

Until I get a better explanation, I will assume that bantams were part of an international conspiracy of some sort to starve us out by displacing regular chickens.

But I am a reasonable man. I am willing to discuss the point.

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Answer to Mark and Peter

We have here one of those situations where Peter really didn’t mean it
and Mark is in there fighting for me.

Mark, I appreciate it. All my life I would have given anything to have
someone who would back me up the way you do. My life has been spent
taking stands and watching respectable conservatives join liberals in
the lynching party.

It took me forever to realize that that is my function. I stand there when everybody won’t.

If you got no angels you need a fool.

And angels are scarce.

Now to an IMPORTANT subject.

Peter said he visited a water-power grits mill. He therefore knows what GRITS are. And, the fate
of the world notwithstanding, this is a critical matter.

I have said before that while Southerners have no trouble with a debate about which is the True Religion, they will kill each other over the True Bar-B-Q.

I hate what we call hominy, which is big blobs of grits. I love grits.

But, technically speaking, as Mark knows, you make “grits” by husking corn in a machine. On one side out come the corn husks, which only a goat can eat. The middle of the corn ground down is called hominy. It comes out the other side.

Those of you who were raised without true culture will consider this a quibble.

I haven’t seen “hominy” in years. Has anybody else?

By the way, the African staple is called “mealy-meal.”

Being a connisseur, I don’t like mealy-meal either, though I ate a lot of it. It is the opposite of “hominy”.” Mealie-meal is ground down so completely that it tastes like water.

In Arabia, they can tell you exactly where the water came from. They are conniseurs of water. In China they can tell you all about the tea. French…uh…men can tell you where the wine was grown
and the exact vintage.

Well, those poor benighted people don’t have grits or bar-b-q so they’ve got to take what they’ve got seriously.

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Brains Versus Everready

One dream we have long had was the ability to control things directly from the brain.

If you could do that, a man who is totally unable to move could surf the Internet.

A Practical Man would say it can never be done. We don’t know where exactly to put the elctrode into the brain. In fact I like to ask Practical Scientists about that. They explain to me how complex the brain is and why this cannot be done in the foreseable future.

What amazes me is that not one of the Practical Latest Science people I have talked to know knew that it has already been done.

As I say, the Practical Man and the social scientists lack one gift I have: seeing things that are so obvious we miss them. Seeing the obvious is not The Latest News. Seeing the obvious is not publishable.

Seeing the obvious doesn’t sound Really Sophisticated.

So the Practical Man thinks he is the exact opposite of the social scientist, some pie-in-the-sky egghead, but they are exactly alike.

Which is like today’s conservative, who thinks exactly like a liberal does and believes he is the opposite of a liberal.

But all of them, liberals, conservatives, social scientists and practical men have less intelligence than an insect. They are the Everready men. They just keep going and going and going…

You see, if an Everready Man runs into a chair leg, he will just keep going and going and going and staying in the same spot.

An insect will go around.

Neither the liberal nor the conservative nor the social scientist nor the Practical Man ever look around.

Their Latest Thing is the chair leg. Almost all academic journals consist almost entirely of detailed discussions of chair legs.

This is “the academic literature” one is supposed to keep abreast of.

They just keep going and going and going…

The Practical Man said that a completely immobile, unspeaking person who was aware could not surf the internet because The Latest News from Science does not include the specifications as to where the electrode would be placed. That was the chair leg.

What the people who accomplished this did was to step back and notice that the person putting in the electrode was not the only person involved. The man’s brain is also a living organism. It has been getting around chair legs for a billion years.

So they let the man’s brain grow around the electrode.

And the Practical Man?

Shoulder to shoulder with liberals and conservatives and social scientists, the Practical Man just keeps going and going and going …

And he gets paid for it.

Billions of dollars will be spent this year publishing articles about how social science SHOULD work. Billions more will be spent on articles by Practical men showing how things can’t work.

The people who made it possible for a vegetating man to surf the internet probably didn’t have their grant renewed.

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The “Practical Man” is an Incurable Fool

I keep stating the Bob Problem:

“It doesn’t WORK.”

I am afraid this can be misinterpreted into making me a Practical Man.

No way.

The Practical Manis a fool. He is a fool because he forgets the word YET.

The Practical Man in 1800 could have given you an endless number of reasons why the idea of sending pictures through the air with electricity would be an absurd idea, all based on his careful reading of The Latest News From Science.

First of all, he’d say, you would need several billion leyden jars, even the new improved ones..

The Practical Man, like the social science professor, is not not only wrong, he is incurably wrong.

If a social scientist didn’t have a PhD he would be committed to a mental institution. But with a PhD he can say things that are less rational than casual conversation in the ding-a-ling ward and get paid for it.

In history and science, the Practical Man is ALWAYS wrong. But he has a reputation as a Practical man, so everybody knows that the practical Manis always wrong — just as the social science professor is, and everybody reveres him more than they do a Holy Professor.

In the ding-a-ling ward, some people get better.

No professor will ever get better.

No Practical Man will ever get better.

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