B. U. G. S.

In one of my more rational moments, I gave Antonio some good advice a few days ago. I said that the one person who have to have a good opinion of yourself.

I have also said that if you follow the Golden Rule, you cannot treat yourself like a dog. If youare to do unto unto others as you would have them do unto you, you can’t kick yourself unmercifully.

Last night was not my first, or even my hundredth, incident of hitting everyone around me inexcusably. I have never been unforgiving when someone did that to me since I reached the age of twenty.

But giving YOURSELF a break is very hard.

I remember reading a comment froma German who said, “If we criticised others the way we criticize ourselves we would be sadists.”

The whole history of Christianity has been darkened by people who forgave others but subjected themselves to whippings and starvation and deprivation far worse than the naked and hungry Jesus said we should help.

But it is STILL hard to forgive yourself. That makes me jealous of psychopaths.

Every reader here knows exactly what I am talking about. It must be wonderful to be a psychpath who has never given himself a moment’s discomfort about the worst thing he did to somebody else.

In my attempts at self-justification, I try to tell myself that I am like a shotgun aimed at the enemy. I get out there and fight them nose-to-nose, but the people aiming me have to get used to the fact that they have to absorb the kick of the weapon they are using.

It is a hell of a lot better to be taking the kick than being on the business end of a shotgun, but the kick is stillnot pleasant. When you send someone out to say the unsayable and fight alone, you can’t expect him to come back as a totally nice guy.

So there are two parts to this process. I must apologize to you and not hate myself.

Antoni’s example here is a good one. His fury is directed at the man who concenrated so hard on forgiving Hispanics that he totally ignored his duty to stand up for himself and his OWN people.

But if we go back to the millions of Christians who turned the Golden Rule into “Be nice to everybody else but vicious to yourself” we see this is not exactly a new problem.

I want Shari to explicitly accept my apology. I want that from the rest of you, too. But at the same time everything I write here strikes me as a rather weak excuse.

The fact is that if I am to expect you to accept my apology I am going to have accept my own as well.

As the German guy said, it is a hell of a lot easier to give someone else who is sincerely sorry your forgiveness than it is to give it to yourself.

A conscience is a wonderful thing, but it is certainly NOT the key to happiness.