Archive for September 29th, 2004

Martha Stewart’s New Home

Martha Stewart is being sent to Alderson Federal Prison. I used to live in Alderson. My doctor brother “dodged the draft” by being a prison doctor for two years with the Public Health Service. One of those years was spent at Alderson.

That was about 1956. Two of the prisoners there were Tokyo Rose, a Japanese-American who had broadcast from Japan during World War II, and Axis Sally, a German-American who had broadcast from Berlin during the same period.

They used to hold plays, and in one play Axis Sally played the part of George Washington.

Alderson is a lovely place, very near White Sulfur Springs Resort.

It was off season, and my Austrian bride and I happened to be in White Sulfur Springs. It was my wife’s first Thanksgiving in America and I asked where we might get some turkey and so forth. She told us to go to a certain country club.

It turned out that one of the members of that country club had been a traveling salesman. Many times he had been away from home on Thanksgiving. So he had retired to his home town and every Thanksgiving he set out a spread and drinks for absolutely anybody in White Sulfur Springs.

We ate, we got drunk, we met everybody.

As for Martha Stewart, if she had not said her conviction was a “right wing conspiracy,” I would be on her side.

I have seen a lot of prisons from the inside. Alderson was the best of them.

A rich liberal deserves much, much worse.

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From Your Poet Laureate

For about a week I wrote nothing in this blog. Now, with my team’s encouragement, I am back to thinking of things to say.

Because this causes me joy, I have composed some inspiring verses to celebrate it:

Last week I had writer’s block,
My words were getting fewer.
Now the writer’s block is gone.
I’m pouring like a sewer.

— Robert Wadsworth Whitaker

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Yes, Virginia, There is a Gruntle

I told Don that he was going to make my impeccable reputation peccable.

That reminded me of the word “disgruntled.” It makes you wonder if anybody was ever gruntled.

Well, I don’t know whether peccable is a word, but gruntle is. It means exactly the opposite of what it sounds like. The old English word “gruntled” meant “pleased.” That is why “disgruntled” means displeased.

But can you imagine a word that sounds less like happy than gruntled?

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Uncle Remus

Most of us older Southerners are familiar with the Uncle Remus stories about Brer Rabbit and Brer Fox and Brer Bear, but a lot of younger people have never even heard of them.

A lot of older people will say their parents read the Uncle Remus stories to them. Well, that is not exactly true. Their parents might have TOLD them the Uncle Remus tales from the now-banned Disney movie, “Song of the South.” But their parents didn’t read the original tales to them and they didn’t read those tales themselves.

The actual stories were written in a forgotten language.

Henry Chandler was from Atlanta, where he was a boy during the Civil War. The tales he wrote were supposedly those told by Uncle Remus, an old slave.

But the important point is that Chandler wrote those tales to be read by literate Southerners in his own day. Literate Southerners back then had all been raised around blacks and largely raised BY black folks. They understood the old Plantation black English perfectly.

Today, trying to read Uncle Remus stories is exactly like trying to read fourteenth century English. Like fourteenth century English, the language of Uncle Remus ranges from very hard to incomprehensible.

Today I cannot be sure people know what I am talking about when I talk about the Tar Baby Story or the briar patch. When I was young, that was part of our everyday parlance. It never occurred to me that I could mention the moral of one of those stories and people wouldn’t understand what I was talking about.

In exactly the same way, it never occurred to Henry Chandler that Southerners in the future would not understand the Plantation English they were all raised around. Neither do today’s blacks.

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