The first thing any man will explain to you is that he doesn’t like blonds with big breasts.

The most amazing people insist on this. A man who is proud that he likes beer and grits will tell you why he is not fascinated, as the masses are, with blue eyes, blond hair and large mammaries. He is not big on the Pamela Anderson types, though he understands why the masses are.

He says he likes darker coloring. He tells me he likes ARTISTIC breasts.

And he INSISTS on telling me this.

It reminds me of someone who said he didn’t mind anything about vegetarians except the fact that every vegetarian HAS to insert, somewhere in his conversation, that he is a vegetarian.

In earlier days, people who did not watch television would have to tell you, somewhere in the conversation, that they did not watch television.

People also tell me that wealth does not buy happiness. They explain to me their answer to
the question, “If you’re so smart, why aren’t you rich?”

This question of “If you’re so smart, why ain’t you rich?” really upsets professors and grad students.

All this puzzles me greatly.

I would like to be very, very rich. I could then do whatever I wished and get drunk in the first class bar at air terminals and have suites instead of hotel rooms. So I could honestly say that I prefer to be at home with my computer instead of being at parties with the Rich and Famous.

Actually parties with the rich and famous are boring beyond belief. But that is not the
reason I am not rich.

I wouldn’t like to be at those parties but I would like the opportunity to be at them. I had big tickets to two presidential inaugurations and gave them away. I like to act like I didn’t care.

But I LOVE to be able to say that.

I would love to travel first class.

I would like to have first refusal. I would like to be at my computer when I wanted to and getting drunk in first class when I wanted to.

I can’t.

I would also like the right of first refusal on blonds who have beautiful front porches. No doubt it would become tiresome after a while, but why should it bother me to admit that I have not had the opportunity to reach that stage?

I know a couple of people who have license plates that say, “Medal of Honor Winner.”

I would LOVE to have one of those.

It would really put The Greatest Generation in their place.

Could I be rich or a sexual athlete or a vegetarian or a Medal of Honor winner?

I have no idea.

Like the guy who was tired of being told by vegetarians that they are vegetarians I just wish the other people who do not have first refusal on beautiful blonds, the other people who are not rich and
the other folks who have no major medals would stop telling me why they don’t want them.

I want them.

Or I would like to have first refusal on them.

I don’t have them. I don’t know if I COULD have them.

Maybe the folks who have this stuff are the ones who are not wasting their time explaining why they don’t.