You should look up “The Fifth Step” in our excellent blog Search function as background to what I am about to say. A lot of people have told me what a relief it is to talk to me about themselves.
The reason may be that it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to find anyone ELSE you can talk to about YOURSELF.
People you are trying to talk to are not listening to YOU. The psychiatrist or counselor is listening to his TRAINING with you are a SUBJECT. He is trying to see where this particular patient fits into his textbooks.
Wordism again.
With the influence of magazines and “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and “good vibes” stuff, the old function of having a friend to talk to has simply disappeared.
Wordism again.
Even before the present age, it was a rare person you could find who you could really talk to. I’ll give you one example and you can think of a dozen:
Any time I tried to talk to my father, he turned it into a chance to show how he was a Tough, Realistic Man and how I, his youngest child, was a callow wimp. He would rather have walked around with his zipper open than admitted that I had anything HE might want to think about.
This is part of a more general problem. When you get around to wanting to level with somebody it is because you are trying to work something out.
Something complicated.
You need for them to listen CAREFULLY. But the person “listening,” being human, has his own agenda. My father was listening to what I said for an opportunity to show me how he was a hero and to give me standard Meaty Man advice.
I try to find out from a computer expert kin of mine about buying a new, cheap desktop, and the conversation always ends up about the laptop he wants me to buy.
This is a normal problem. This is why it is so hard to find someone to listen to YOU.
Some people want to use what you say to show how great they are or to explain “what they have been trying to tell all this time.” Others are Wordist programmed, and no matter what you say, their Book is what you are going to get back.
The fifth step is good practice in listening. But so many people came to ME for it because I had ALREADY disciplined myself to LISTEN to THEM.
p
#1 by Simmons on 07/09/2008 - 11:50 am
I solve problems, I am not a therapist. You got a problem you come to me otherwise go cry on some Oprah trained person’s shoulder.
#2 by Marwinsing on 07/10/2008 - 9:17 am
Hear hear. Have listening and autism got anything to do with one other?
#3 by Bob on 07/10/2008 - 10:51 am
“I solve problems, I am not a therapist.”
I’m not a Tough Guy. I’m willing to listen if someone needs it.
#4 by shari on 07/10/2008 - 11:24 am
Solving problems always involves listening, even if rebuke is sometimes nessessary. Oprah,TV, indeed much of “therapy” is about exploitation, for profit.
#5 by Simmons on 07/10/2008 - 3:32 pm
I agree with both critiques.
#6 by BoardAd on 07/11/2008 - 7:56 pm
Thank you for listening, Bob.
I am not a tough guy. I am a human, with human social needs, but my generation is incapable of listening and emphasizing. Their emotions are extrinsic and reflect what yours are at the current moment.
I’ve tried to open up to women, but I’ve found that its the destroyer of relationships and they don’t respect you afterwards. They like tough guys and I hope they get what they deserve.
In reply to Simmons above, you don;t have to play psychologist. This is a piece from the article the 5th step:
The stuff you have been most ashamed of, the stuff you have been keeping inside you all your life, makes YOU sick. But we all have our OWN hangups. What makes YOU sick almost never is the hot button in someone ELSE’S soul. So you go in terrified about it. You finally confess and wait for astonished and horrified reaction YOU have to it. The person you are talking to is not that impressed.
#7 by shari on 07/12/2008 - 11:01 am
As the mother of two sons AND two daughters I can say that both sexes have suffered from the confusion sown. It still makes me mad at those years.