This is from an e-mail I got. Very often I feel funny telling you how screwed up things are among the so-caled professionals.
This all sounds FAMILIAR to me!
Subject: DISORDER IN THE COURTS PLEASE,ATTORNEY & CLIENT
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. “What was I doing ???”
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
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— And the best for last: —
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
#1 by Hardric on 08/12/2007 - 10:41 am
Sounds like these lawyers are well on their way to a successful political career. Only, however, if they are willing to abandon their logical perspicacity a wee bit more.
Congressman: Sir, do you have any reason to believe there is a difference between the races.
Witness: Voodoo
Congressman: You do?
Witness: Do you?
Congressman: Me too?
#2 by Karl on 08/12/2007 - 11:56 am
During my high school years, I took a course offered… Business Law? Anyway, we were the school’s mock trial team. Witnesses learn crummy parts and lawyers put together annoying questions. We’ll one of our witnesses up and quit on us and I was selected to cover. Now this is done in front of a real judge in a real courtroom… and to speed things along at the lower levels we were supposed to take it for about 10 minutes.
Karl takes the stand.
Questioning about my part in the dumping of toxic chemicals in a swamp begins.
Then it happened: The judge fell asleep. Forty minutes later, and this is the only thing I rembember from the whole thing (And it’s still fuzzy save for the last part, he asked me a question (reading the part once I couldn’t recall every detail):
“ATTORNEY”: Something something something? (The Charlie Brown *wha wha wha*)
Me: Perhaps, but to my knowledge it did not occur.
“ATTORNEY”: What do you mean by ‘perhaps?’
Me: It might have happened, it probably did not take place.
“ATTORNEY”: What do you mean, ‘could have?’
Me: The Soviet Union could have turned us all into glass using thermonuclear devices, but they didn’t to my knowledge. Need it clearer?
#3 by Mark on 08/12/2007 - 7:00 pm
I wonder if Sean Hannity started out as an attorney and ended up a radio talk show host?