While I was in Pigeon Forge in the last stages of exhaustion, I went into a Krystals. Krystals is a fast-food place whose specialty is a tiny delicious little hamburger that I haven’t had in years, so I went in to get a couple.

The air conditioning was broken, and I felt a blast of heat from behind the counter where the cooking took place. The staff was staggering around red-faced and sweating.

I asked them why they didn’t have a fan and they said the company bureaucracy just wasn’t getting around to getting them one while the AC was off, though they had begged them to.

Ole Bob worked in a brick plant and played football in the South Carolina heat. I HATE the idea of people having to work hot.

I went straight to the store, bought them a sizable fan, came back and gave it to an older, responsible-looking lady working there with the receipt that had the store’s name on it in case it didn’t work, and left.

They were SO grateful, and I knew exactly how they felt, because I have worked in the heat myself.

I drove off feeling GREAT. I have never gotten so much joy out of spending $35 plus tax in my life.

One thing I have never heard mentioned is that inconsiderate people, people who don’t “Do unto others as you have them do unto you,” miss some of the greatest joys in life.

Like anybody else, my favorite subject is me. But unlike most people, my favorite subject of HUMOR is also me.

I do silly things that I laugh about over and over. It may be that I am such a genius that I pull a lot of dumb tricks because my mind is always on Higher Things. Or it could be I’m just stupid.

I prefer the Genius Explanation.

There is a lovely young lady in the apartment building here with whom I have had short talks for a couple of years as we walk by each other or wait for the elevator. She is smart and obviously the sort of high-strung, go-getter type of young person I would like to sit down and talk with.

I would like to know who she is.

The fact that she is beautiful and sexy doesn’t hurt a bit.

I’m old but I ain’t DEAD!

I finally got up the courage to ask if she could carve time out of her busy day to have lunch with me.
Her first response was that she was seeing somebody. OF COURSE she has a boyfriend. I would be ashamed of the young men of the State of South Carolina if she didn’t.

My response was perfectly honest: “You think your boyfriend would be jealous of ME?”

So she agreed to have lunch with me, but I had exhausted my reserves of courage and my arms were full of groceries, so when she got off the elevator, I hadn’t gotten her number. But she made it clear that, now that she knew I just wanted to have a talk, she really wanted to do so too. I am an interesting person.
As she got off the elevator on her floor, she said, “You haven’t told me where you are.”

So I sort of shouted out my apartment number and telephone number. I think it was my sister’s number, since it was the first one that came to mind.

Romeo I ain’t.

I had gotten her to agree to have lunch and reassured her I wasn’t trying to take her away from her boyfriend, but I hadn’t gotten her number.

So I decided on a way to rectify that last error.

I would go down at 8am and sit in front of the door she and everybody else comes out of when they are going to work. I would wait until she came out, call her over, and reassure her that I wasn’t stalking her by saying that I was doing the old Capitol Hill trick of sitting in the lobby waiting for the congressman to come out. I would then point out, which was true, that she had made an old man’s day by saying her boyfriend might be jealous of me.

I would then give her my card and ask for her telephone number to arrange lunch.

In other words I would just be the Old Capitol Hill pro at work.

OK. You have better tactics, but pretty girls scare the hell out of me and this is not my specialty. If nothing else, she’d feel sorry for me.

So I felt I was really being Shrewd. I went down, sat there with a book to read, and watched the folks come out as I waited. It got to eight thirty and almost nobody had come out. About a quarter to nine, it finally occurred to me it was Sunday.

The old, cool, Capitol Hill pro had been sitting in the lobby on SUNDAY!

I laughed and sniggered at me. I am really funny, especially when I try to be Shrewd.

So I went on back to my apartment, checking my mail on the way.

There wasn’t any.