A few years back I read a medical article about why old men do indeed get to be grumpy. It turns out that they develop the exact same problem I have had all my life.
I have always had very, very bad Attention Deficit Disorder. I didn’t know it.
Older men develop exactly the same thing. They get grumpy only partly because they feel put upon.
You see, there is something worse than people blaming you unfairly. What is worse is constantly being blamed for things you DID do wrong and not being able to explain to people that you CAN’T get it right.
All my life people beat on their chests, gave the Tarzan yell, and said, “Bob, if you would just DISCIPLINE yourself like your hero, me, you wouldn’t make those mistakes and lose track of those things.”
I have never heard anybody tell a person in a wheelchair, “If you would just DISCIPLINE yourself like your hero, me, you could run and jump. I can run and jump. That’s because, unlike you, I got DISCIPLINE.”
Since I found out I had this ADD about ten years ago, about a thousand people have said, “Well, I have trouble keeping things straight, too. I think I have some of that ADD, too.”
Once again, I never hear anybody tell someone in a wheelchair, “You know, my legs sometimes hurt after I run. I think I have some of that ‘crippled’ stuff, too.”
Old men develop what I have, and mine is getting worse. Anytime you deal with people you suddenly find they are furious at you about something, and they usually have a perfectly good reason to be mad at you. When you are told what you are doing wrong, you want to kick yourself too.
But then it’s too late. A lot of people don’t accept apologies the first time. But you can’t help doing things wrong over and over and they lose patience.
You live in a hostile world where someone may blow up in your face for a perfectly legitimate reason at any moment.
So you tend to get ready for a fight all the time.
That makes you grumpy. That makes you shun people. You never know where the next screams will come from, so you just avoid everybody. Every conversation involves walking on eggs, and you’re still not safe.
There is an old song called, “You Only Hurt the Ones You Love.” If you get close to anybody you are going to make those mistakes with them, including letting your underlying fear and hostility show.
The old song goes, “You only hurt the ones you love, the ones you shouldn’t hurt at all,” and that could be the theme song of the grumpy old man. Carrying around the damage you have done to the very people who have been best to you doesn’t make you any less grumpy.
The problem is that it almost always IS your fault. That’s worse than being persecuted.
Someone out there has a child with ADD. Does any of this sound familiar?
I developed a lot of strengths having to deal with this extreme problem I didn’t know I had. Normally this is where one quotes Nietzche, “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.”
There is truth in that.
But when you quote it, it is important to remember that Niezsche died in a madhouse.
#1 by Don on 01/07/2005 - 10:39 am
RE: Attention Deficit Disorder
Do you mean to say that if you have a lovely lady present you cannot pay attention to her for an extended period of time?
#2 by Elizabeth on 01/07/2005 - 6:48 pm
I _knew_ from an early age that, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t concentrate _enough_ on things that weren’t on a printed page and weren’t words. I had _terrible_ problems with abstract types of math as well as with getting sequences of movements right in gym or dance class. And it’s sort of hard convincing people you’re musically talented when it’s very clear you don’t have a clue about timing without a metronome staring you in the face.
When I was growing up, all this was _my_ _fault_.
I finally got diagnosed in Fall 2003 because I’d finally made it into grad school, but I was falling apart because I couldn’t focus. (I’m over 40.)
Being able to take something for ADD is great, but it doesn’t magically fix everything. It’s really hard breaking those bad ADD habits of not writing things down, not keeping in touch, letting things go, not keeping up your end of a commitment, not _planning_, not scheduling, etc.
#3 by Bob Whitaker on 01/07/2005 - 6:59 pm
Don, for a man my age, that can be a very embarrassing question.
And I’m not talking psychology.
#4 by Mike on 01/07/2005 - 7:02 pm
I grew up with an alcoholic parent. I’ve forgiven enough verbal abuse to drive a person insane. You come to learn that it is not really them talking, it is the disease/condition. I learned this as a child so I learned early on to let it roll off. I could have laughed at it if it weren’t such a tragedy for the one doing the screaming.
People are too lasy and self-centered to realize this. Instead of thinking about why someone is screaming at them like a lunatic they become offended. People are too lazy to think.
It is work.
How can we train people to think?
#5 by Don on 01/07/2005 - 11:06 pm
We can start with a straightforward and unambiguous handbook:
And focus on those who get that.
#6 by Horace on 01/08/2005 - 12:23 am
RE: And I’m not talking psychology.
I know. My emails inform me that I can get 24, 36, and 48 hour solutions to certain ADD problems.
#7 by H.S. on 01/09/2005 - 2:54 am
Your comment, made to another post, is now pointedly apropos to this one. People are going to all the wrong places for a real education. Bob is transparent and sharp and cares for people in ways people who are 50 miles wide and a millimeter deep will never see. You have to stop and absorb – after the shock wears off.
…Niezsche died in a madhouse. –Bob I could think from what I’ve heard and read a bit that it was because he never could apprehend anything outside of his relatively small self, or other compass north humans, for what was real, true or peace. I still have not seen a better definition of real insanity than one given by a man who has lost track 30 years ago of how many 1,000s of people he has wisely counseled in his over 70 decades. The kind not caused by real organic, physical brain and chemical damage. It is primarily the result of varying degrees of irresponsibility. In ALL of its aspects – dysfunctionally presented in every person uniquely. The person suffering is not always allowed by others to “escape” or even correctly determine it. Consistant dysfunction of irresponsibility can and certainly does lead to real organic, physical brain and chemical damage.